A Crack in the Darkened Orb of Grief

~ "So often we are busy sending love and healing to others, that we forget to send healing to ourself."
  
 -Daily OM

Before departing on my nine-day trip to Maui, I was bound to taking care of others mourning the loss of Shayla. I felt compelled, as always a nurturer, the need to extend myself beyond even reasonable meaures and try to sooth the souls of those grieving. Additionally, the manner in which I was granted this beautiful gift of this trip, came from within a part of me wary of trusting. After all of the pain I have endured having grown up in a dysfunctional family, I tend to keep intact the fortress I have built around me. Yet, even the darkest orb can crack, revealing splinters of light that are wholesome and healing. These fragments turn our self-doubt into a natural flow of colourful illumination, allowing us a chance to accept its beauty. For this reason, the extraordinary offer to send me to Maui in order to share in Shayla's 22nd Birthday- was the precious pearl-that thrived inside of my dimmed sphere. Once only a distant connection, this trip has reconnected me to a lost root and while embracing this gift of wellness, I have gained something sacred to me. The other key uniting myself to this incredible journey, is the reality that control is not something I am in possession of. Spending over a week, with a terrible flu virus, allowed me to believe that I needed to be in a weakened state and vulnerable. This had to occur so I could be exposed and unobstructed to all of the spectacular images that I have seen; in the healing gardens of the open seas. For I have witnessed a rainbow heart angel in the skies over the beaches of Kehei. My eyes have seen the flowing edges of the bluest butterfly -Shayla's beloved symbol- and I have sat in awe as the vibrant pink hues of an angel graced the night skyline. It is because of these heavenly projections that I know my babygirl was somehow with me on this solo journey. As the salty air I breathed was real, the photographs I captured of these tender moments are also. Not having the strength to do much in between my three tours, enabled me to sit or lay on the beach and watch the spectacular clouds form into images of love. This pastime, is something my daughter used to do; bonding over wisps of white, we would point out what we each saw. There were moments of glee, where our laughter overtook us to the child within and we savoured the gifts from above. The last full night I had in Maui, I took the remainder of the pebbles I brought, wrote on them and strolled to the beaches. I kneeled into the tropical waters and let the ocean, grip them away from my hands and pull all their very existence to the pounding surf. Then, I lay flat out on the coolness of the sand, under a symphony of flickering stars and absorbed into my weary soul, all of the majestic beauty of my time in Hawaii. Alone, in the darkness, I began to hear the rythmic beating of drums and it was deepening the experience of my connecting with nature. I 'spoke' to Shayla, letting her know that the bag of ashes I have back home is simply that. It does not contain the essence of who my child was; her smile cannot be found amongst the particles, her vicarious laughter is not expressed and her drops of blue-those angel eyes- do not gaze back at me. Long before this trip, I use to cling to this bag of mortal remains and even once found myself berating the fact that I had 'forgotten' to say goodnight to the medicine bag! Now, after my nine days of tasting the rainbow, if I need to feel close to Shayla, I simply open myself to the phenomenal aspects of nature and all that surrounds me. That maginificent spark that my daughter was still exists! She remains within my fragile heart, and around in the world I still reside in. Her vibrant personality shines through in her countless photogrpahs. As I now begin to slowly slip away from the darkened orb and shake loose the remnants of her death, I emerge not saying : " I am healed!" No, I come forth to say, " I AM ready for the healing to Begin..."

A Walk in the Clouds

"The air up there in the clouds is very pure and fine, bracing and delicious.  And why shouldn't it be? - it is the same the angels breathe"  ~Mark Twain

The morning of my bus tour to Haleakala Crater, to see the sunrise, began at 2:45 am. I have been ill for many days with a terrible flu virus. I did not see how possibly I would be able to even stand up, let alone climb up stairs in an harsh elements and an atmosphere, which can be unforgiving. Yet, I felt surrounded by an unseen force that was guiding me along the way. I was doing this trip to honour my daughter, Shayla and nothing was going to stop me from fulfilling the dream of my eyes seeing a view of the heavens. The diversity on Haleakala on most of the crater appears to be desolate; unproductive in this sterile environment, it was hard to believe that anything could grow or survive here. Yet something does thrive that is one of my least favourite insects; spiders! A combination of moisture from the lower elevations and other insects blown by the winds, help to sustain them. I made it a point then to always look up and never down at my feet! A rare, brilliant plant to the area was at one time, near extinction. Now though, the Silversword flourishes under the preservation of the Haleakala National Park. I was fortunate enough to photograph several unique forms of this plant. Up at the Visitor Centre, I was treated to an abundant delivery of glimmering stars. Their vibrancy lighting up a darkened canopy that now gave way to a show of dancing flickers. I stood for over an hour at the railing of my viewing spot, above the hovering puffs of clouds that glided effortlessly at almost 10,000 ft. This made me in awe of our creator on a whole new level. As my gaze wandered over the vast land, the depths of the volcanic crater emerged. My hand wanted to reach out and touch the wisps of white before me, while words could not convey what was stirring in the depths of my own soul. At around 6:45 am, over the horizon, glints of oranges, yellows and pinks were giving birth to a unspoiled vision of clarity. The light of a new day and a reflection of the future were right in front of me. It was as if a switch had been turned on and an infusion of neon, in a beautiful tapestry of colour was being unveiled, just for me. I felt the presence of something far beyond my understanding. Standing by myself, the elation of listening to the local Hawaiians welcoming the morning sun, moved me beyond tears. Later, as I climbed the stairs leading to the 10,000 Summit mark of Haleakala, I felt a burst of energy. It came from me embracing the peace that I had come to seek. Although I can not know what is ahead for me, down the road...I have witnessed an extraordinary vision of brilliance that has shown me where angels roam and encourages me to continue to walk by Faith.

At the End of a Rainbow...A portion of my heart has clutched

“The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.” ~ John Vance Cheney

In one of the purses Shayla sewed with Joanne Wilson, is a bag of skittles. I bought them after my daughter's death, as a reminder to always "Taste the Rainbow," - the slogan for the colourful candies. Rainbows meant a variety of things to Shayla and she was open to sharing with others how important it was to never judge another soul! Growing up, her diverse array of friends including many Gay's, lesbians and transgender people. My daughter did not care if you were straight as an arrow or eclectic as the Rainbow Pride flag that she represented when she joined the Gay, Lesbian, Transgender, and Straight Alliance Club back in high school. She would go to dances and support events that broke through the stigmas, bullying and hatred to those whose lifestyle was as unique as Shayla was. On occasion, I would join her and mingle with people that also accepted me for who I was- someone living with Bipolar. They did not define me as an illness, but rather embraced me as a whole. I know now, reading through her journals, that my daughter loved everyone- no matter what! Her faith was deeply rooted, yet her belief was that she was not the judge of others and never would make anyone feel like an outcast. Since her passing, I have been wanted to see a rainbow and know that she is with me, watching over me still. Yesterday, after over two hours on a bus travelling to the Old Lahaina Luau, I was exhausted! As we were nearing my stop, something caught my eye. I looked over to the right and saw a faint rainbow in the distance. Immediately, I hopped off the bus and walked towards it. I took several pictures, then I felt the spatter of tears trickling down my face. It wasn't simply because of the rainbow, it was "Where" the hues of colour were over top of. It was a business called, " Blackie's Pit Stop." The significance of this is that on Shayla's prayer card, the main photo of her, was taken on Mother's Day; on a pier near a favourite beach of me and Shayla's called: "Blackie Spit!" For me, this was only the beginning of an incredible night that has instilled me, there are no mere coincidences, for my daughter has been with me 'in spirit' this entire trip! As most people know, I had been worried about finding a way back to the hotel once the Luau ended. I needed to use the restroom and I passed up one for the next washroom I found. I walked in and two ladies- Beth and Judy-, were with there 9 yr old granddaughter, Gabby. This young girl was wearing a brilliantly hand sewn dress with Hawaiian fringe, made by her Grandma. I commented on how lovely she looked. We shared small talk and off they went. Soon after, I reconnected with them as they too were attending the Luau. I told them about Shayla and how I was concerned about finding a way back. Even though they lived further away than where I was staying in Kihei, they did not hesitate to offer me a ride! I was thrilled and we agreed to meet up later. Through out the evening, I was catered to with amazing food and fancy drinks, traditional Hawaiian dancing, the brilliance of storytelling and entertained beyond words! One of the songs that came on, made me cry as Shayla and I loved to sing it together: Iz- Somewhere Over the Rainbow. At the beginning of the music, Iz says: "This one's for Gabby." Now, he is referring to Gabby Pahinui; a master of slack key, who passed away years ago. However, I found the irony that there was a Gabby in the audience and she was beaming. Later as couples were called to dance under a beautiful sun setting, I saw Beth and Judy, hand in hand, make their way to the beach area. It then dawned on me that they were together as partners and I knew somehow Shayla had ensured a lovely couple were giving me a ride. After an spectacular show, we were given a small treat as a parting gift. I looked in my bag and was smiling myself as it contained a Banana loaf. In January, when I was sorting through Shayla's belongings, I found her recipe for The Best Banana Bread Ever! Growing up, she loved it when I would make my Chocolate Chunk Banana Muffins and I would tease her that I would leave the recipe to her in my will. The entire evening was infused with my Rainbow child's free spirit; it was her way of letting me know, as alone as think I am...this journey remains connected to my babygirl.

The Beauty of Circumstance

I awoke today as if a steamroller had come across me in the night, mistaking me for pavement and rolled over my weary soul; without any empathy of my broken heart. I was suppose to attend an evening Luau, complete with a feast and traditional dance that would have seen my toes immersed in the grains of sand. The sting of the Maui sun still on my skin, drew me to want to engage in this seaside celebration. Yet, life has other plans, as if being set into a tick-tock of emotional upheavel that sees me completely drained of feeling. There was not a bit of my fragmented soul in this majestic beach side event that postponed until tomorrow, I found myself lingering by the poolside. I reconnected with Lorne and Lori, a wonderful couple from Edmonton, Alberta. Turns out while they were enjoying Lori's birthday, it was a bittersweet day as it was also the 1 year anniversary of the death of Lorne's best friend of 30 years. We spoke of their own three grown children and also of Shayla's incredible legacy. After many tears and two hours, I moved onto the jacuzzi, where I met a lovely couple from Kentucky and another from Manitoba. Each couple had 5 children and one of them had almost 15 grandchildren! Again, I felt 'cheated,' as if somehow if I could , I would go back and reclaim a life I will never know. To think of Shayla as a loving mother is to send a thousand splinters of pain directed straight to my heart. I will Never know what it is like to hold a grandchild in my loving arms, I won't see my daughter pick out that exquisite wedding dress and I won't see her in a vision of motherhood, that she was destined for! As I drift away, thinking of the sunshine dancing within her hair, I see my babygirl on the coastline of beauty ...running with my fragile heart <3

Only An Ocean Away

Today, I decided to explore the other side of where I am staying and check out some of the quaint shops that call Kihei, Maui their home. After walking back towards the Maui Coast Hotel, I heard a familiar sound that drew me in. The masses of vehicles outside the building indicated their was throngs of people inside. I was entering the St. Theresa Catholic Church. I found a seat at the back and listened to prayers being offered. I inhaled the beauty of the space; with intricate stained glass that shone with a kaleidoscope of colour. At the front was a massive cross, with Jesus on it, and a purple wrap around him. I saw people kneeling, others hands outstretched to the Lord, while others wept openly. As the service was nearing closure, I stayed only briefly, making my way to a small gift shop adjacent to the church foyer. I entered and quietly looked around. Then I saw something that caught my eye. It was a rock, with the footprints saying on it. I smiled, as I once owned one before in my life. When Shayla moved away to University, I had given it to her as a gift and a blessing for her journey. When she passed away, several weeks later, I was at her boyfriends-David- house that they shared. His beliefs are much like how mine were long ago...unsure and skeptical. So, whenever I gave my daughter something religious in nature, as now I am a Christian, Shayla would kindly place it in the "God Room." At least that is what it was referred to in their home. I recall a time that this bothered me that everything was put into one room. I even had a conversation with Shayla about it. I told her, "One should be mindful of placing God in just one room, when one day HE will be needed in the whole house." My daughter smiled as she was trying to please two people who loved her, not an easy task. Imagine my surprise then, as I packed up the God room, that David requested the Footprints rock. I was further in awe when he took it out of that room and placed it in his bathroom, where everyone could see it. Now, I'm not saying he has seen 'the light,' by any means. I simply know this rock is special to him. When I saw another one-the only one- in this church gift shop, I knew that instead of watching the sunset I was wanting to see tonight, I was meant to be in that exact spot. I spoke to the kind lady behind the till-Elisa was her name- and when I told her of Shayla, her tears flowed down her mahogany cheeks. I told her briefly about the rock and how I was lead in by the beautiful music. I gave her the prayer card and Quartz Movement information and she hugged me; reminding me the Lord will look after my needs. I could not agree more! This posting is not meant to preach or convert any soul...it is to share in my journey that continues to thrive and grow in those lives I am reaching out because of my beloved Angel- Shayla. She reminds me that I am only an ocean away that separates me from the heavens above.

The Angels Sang

The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.  ~George Elliot
Yesterday, the overflow of emotional torrents, ruptured at the surface of my weary soul. My fatigued body summoned up what little strength it had left and somehow, I managed to make it, working through my grief. Before departure, I poured a coffee and as I reached for a few packets of sugar, I noticed there were brilliant quotes on them by Noah benShea. The packets had a website address: http://www.sugarforthesoul.com/  One of my favourites by Noah, which I read stated:" Taking small steps can be a big leap forward." Another packet by Noah said: " Time is an orchard; every moment is ripe with opportunity." On board the Pride of Maui, I was able to share with many others, the beautiful legacy of Shayla and her imprints on this world. I met a mother of five, Natasha-also from Vancouver, who came up to me to assist with the removal of my wetsuit. I was in some discomfort, as the day before due to my 12 mile beach walk, I was sunburned. We spoke and as I told her about Shayla's 22nd Birthday and my purpose in Maui, she then tenderly explained that it too was her birthday. Later, it was announced that another person also shared in February 24 and as they sang Happy Birthday, I wanted to hurl myself over the side into the ocean. Instead, I sang along and said Shayla's name, subdued by the throngs of people chiming in unison. I felt deeply betrayed at that simple moment of acknowledging others deserving of their happiness, I was robbed of mine. One in the water, I felt overpowered by the waves, as I was thrashed about, sea sickness overcame me. I reached out for a hand; wishing somehow that Shayla's fingers that once fit snugly into mine, would tenderly grab hold. It took alot of focus to remove from my wetsuit, the two pebbles from Shayla's collection. I watched as each one found its new found home amongst the colourful coral. These tiny fragments of rock would never be seen by anyone else and yet they signified so much to me! Back on board, I had to ask for a ginger drink to calm my upset nerves. The boat itself was not causing the problem, as I found out later in our second place to snorkel, it was in me that I was repelling the ocean. Once on board again, I was speaking to a lady, who reminded me so much of my daughter. Her name was Sheila Dawn Shaw and she was a hairdresser from Toronto, on a honeymoon with her husband, Jonathan. Her vibrant hair and outspoken attitude, made me smile. As we departed, a song called, "Seaside",  by a UK band- The Kooks, came on the speakers. I began to cry, as The Kooks was a British band introduced to Shayla via Paul ( my boyfriend from England). Last December, The Kooks came to Vancouver and Shayla wanted to go to the concert with Paul, which never happened. Of all songs to play, it was as if through all of the 'coincidences' that were occurring, they were really more moments of comfort that I was struggling with. Later on our next stop, I was able to swim with a sea turtle, who turned at me, as if to say...``Don`t fight what is before you.`` On board the Pride of Maui, whenever I felt tears started to well up, someone would point out to the sea, in front of us and I was witness to a magnificent sight. It is whale season here and the many pods of humpbacks with their calves, is an extraordinary vision! These beautiful mammals of royalty jumped upwards to the heavens, splashed down into the open ocean. As their tales gracefully turned, they dove deep into the tropical waters. It was in these sacred moments, I did not capture a single image with my camera. Instead, I opened my heart to the graces of nature and breathed all of its glory into my delicate frame. Once on land, I felt grounded again and set out to do my tributes to Shayla. The day before, I had walked miles to find a special spot, where I wanted to place shells, pebbles and special mementos of my babygirl. Now, I had hoped no one would be there and luckily, I had the spot to myself. Upon the sun setting, I took a large rock and smoothed out a cross in the sand, under a canopy of two towering trees. I placed the shells I had brought with me- some of Shayla's, the others were from my personal collection. I spelled her name in the array of seashells. I then made a cross out of candle holders and placed it beside them. I put her cancer bear that she has had for many years- she has lost 3 family members to this terrible disease. At the top corner of the cross, I set out funny nose glasses that she wore in Seattle. The symbolism behind them was at her Celebration of Life, people were encouraged to take a pair, from the basket I had placed out. They are also a touching reminder of Shayla's sense of humour and boisterous laughter! The photographs I am posting of this cross signifies how under a veil of darkness, my faith led me to be able to accomplish all of this. For I was able to do this tribute in complete darkness! The pictures were lightened up as I had the flash on my camera. It took many photos to be able to even properly achieve this task, as I bumped around in the blackness of night, the waves of the ocean crashing near me! Indeed, I was scared as I could not see and did not know what or who was around me, but that is how I feel in the light. Unaware of the uncertainty that I am surrounded by. Yet, this leap of Faith, saw me create a vision of my love to my daughter, Shayla on her 22nd Birthday. The last, finishing touch was her Prayer-Memorial Card that was placed under a large rock, beside her cross. I have no idea if it will ever be read, but I wanted whoever did come across my beautiful display, to know who Shayla was. Later, as I returned back to the hotel, I went out and took more pictures of all things reflective of my Angel-girl. The rose quartz heart in these photos belongs to Shayla-who was given it by a lady, who owned a store in White Rock, BC. She spoke of Shayla`s colourful spirit and kind heart. It was found in her purse, which was with her after she had passed. 
-It is my hope that whoever reads this will be aware that as I stood alone in the darkness, under a canopy of trees, I spoke to my daughter and told her, `The healing is slowly starting to begin...as I hear the Angels sing.`

Sweet Child Of Mine

Today I felt I was being lead towards a day filled with grace and healing, unlike any I have experienced before. I lounged at the pool, swam numerous times under a crystal blue sky, as puffs of clouds lingered. Then, I decided to go for a walk, which unexpectly turned into an all day journey that coverd over 12 miles. The beaches seem to beckon to me to come frolic in the bubbles of the ocean, the sand wrapped itself around my toes and a skyline flickered with pink hues that were mesmerizing! I came upon a pebble pathway that stretched for miles a sandy walkway, encircling me with stones that were kissed by the tropical seas. I was blessed to witness my first true Hawaiian sunset, bursting with vibrant yellows and warming my weary soul. I sat on benches and stared upwards at the heavens, I 'spoke' to my daughter and told her I was here to honour her and reflect on the past 21 years of phenomenal birthdays we shared in together. In the afternoon, I went to a henna place and had my own Wolf paw put above my heart- it represents bravery and courage- two attributes my daughter had. Shayla loved henna tattoos and last year, I bought her own henna kit for her birthday. In the midst of it all, tears were shed tonight and I am sure more are to come. I know today will be one of the heart wrenching days since my babygirl has died. Yet, I am open to the adventures I have planned. For I know, this sweet child of mine is illuminated in every extraordinary thing I am surrounded by.

Unfolding My Tattered Heart

The journey to Maui has seen many tears, newfound friends and the legacy of Shayla's exceptional life story unfold, along with my tattered heart. As I sit here, alone in the quiet at 10:30pm- I feel as if I was put on a tilt-a-whirl ride; my world upside down, and filled with mixed emotions. The couple I sat next to on the plane- Diana and her husband Kaylan, from Fort St. James, showed me such compassion as I shared about my daughter. By the end, all of us were sharing tears and it was a beautiful release for me. Next, I had to take a shuttle and sat beside a lovely young lady named Ryan, from North Carolina. She told me about wanting to become a lawyer and I encouraged her to pursue in her dream, as Shayla would never be able to fulfill hers of becoming a Social Worker. At first, she was frustrated that her plane had mechanical problems and so she was 'grounded' for the whole day, until later tonight, when she would depart. By the time we had spoken and I shared about my babygirl, Ryan was happy that she met me and I gave her the link to The Quartz Heart Travelling Pebble Movement that I created in order to honour and remember Shayla. She would have turned 22 years of age on Friday, February 24th  and of all the 'dates' I've had to endure since her death, this one has proven to be the hardest!! That is why the pebble movement was created on facebook, to pay tribute to a young lady who collected pebbles and stones all of her life. I have requested those who would like to participate, simply go on Facebook and type in the search area:  The Quartz Heart Travelling Pebble Movement. The event is to place a rock, shell, pebble in any source of water; a pond, stream lake ocean , waterfall etc and give respect to a life taken far too soon! On the Facebook page, there are photos and stories of where some of the pebbles have been placed. It brings me great comfort and peace to read the postings and I am deeply grateful for all of you who participate. It does not have to happen on Shayla's birthday; it can take place in the spring, summer or any season. The event has already seen stones placed in Peru, Hawaii, England, Mexico and many more! Tomorrow, my adventures begin and I embrace the healing of the tropical ocean waters! As I was writing this, I heard what sounded like thunder and stepped out onto my balcony. To my delight, there were brilliant fireworks lighting up the star filled sky, over the sea side! It made me smile and it felt good to feel the corners of my mouth embrace such a spectacular vision!

Letter to My Angel- Girl, Shayla Rae Dawn

~ My Angel-Girl, Shayla Rae Dawn
This week I have felt 'trapped' in a bubble, where Life is not letting me escape the sorrow of not being able to share with you in No. 22 of your birthday year): As I tumble aimlessly in this sphere of grief, the memories of past celebrations bombard my exposed , vulnerable heart <3 What do you mean there will be NO cake?? Why can't I wrap the presents I had already for you before Christmas? I am denied the joy of writing a 'book' full of words into some glittery card that really is meant for a little girl, but I always kept you in the corners of my mind, like that. How come I must refold the Birthday banner and shove it into an old cardboard box? Why am I even keeping it? The tiny sparkling pieces of confetti seem lost. They are searching for that envelope to be tucked into, springing forth to delight and annoy the card holder- YOU!! Since your death, I have pushed myself through the motions of holidays that will NEVER be the same. Yet, the one single day, defined by your phenomenal arrival into this world- February 24th- is wrecking havoc as I search for some reasonable acceptance that you and I have been cheated on...Death took your life, yet I chose to Celebrate your existence. Its like an invisible tug of war and yet by continuing to honour YOU, I feel I am somehow 'winning.' As I prepare for Maui tomnorrow, I Know you are coming along with me...in the beautiful notion of treausuring your life and all of the brilliant memories we made together. Each planned activity I do for you babygirl and I have something exceptional planned on your 22nd Birthday that Nothing can take away! I Love You Shoobie Woop woop do woop!! Love You to the Moon and Back! Always, Mummy XOXOXOXOX

Music of the Heart

As I prepare for my trip to the spirit of the islands, my days are filled with writing on facebook; including updates, posting on my wall, Shayla's wall and The Quartz Heart Travelling Pebble Movement event page. I read my daily meditations in the book, "Healing After Loss," by Martha Whitmore Hickman, which I highly recommend. Each page contains powerful quotes, meaningful passages and a dose of reality in dealing with the loss of someone you love. After, I sort through photographs; images suspended in time...savouring the moments where the sun always seemed to glisten. My focus is fleeting and soon I am sitting on the floor of my office, persusing through the pages of Shayla's many journals. Like a mother whose discovered her daughter's secret diary, I will take with me all of her buried secrets, her own doubts of this imperfect world and lock them away in the corners of my fractured heart. Today, was defined by all of these things, but much more lent its way into my soul, by means of music. We all have had moments, where we suddenly turn on the radio and a song that wrenches us back to that particular time in our lives, comes in waves of a tapestry of lyrics. For Shayla, music to her was like wildflowers are to the wind; planting seeds along the way in order to grow. She listened to Elvis, The Beach boys, and Patsy Kline. Shayla could listen to rap, then switch to classical and then over to country faster than you could say, musical chairs. I remember last year, I received a call from an ectastic Shayla who told me that she had went to the University Pub and saw her childhood favourite, Fred Penner, perform. My daughter was thrilled to tell me that she met him and spoke to Mr. Penner. Then she told me how to her delight, he accepted a rock that she gave him. I am smiling now just thinking of this union that took place and how a 21 year old young lady, was still such a child at heart. As I rushed around today, I turned on my stereo to hear Timberland sing , "Babygirl." Then as I pulled up to Value Village, I saw a busker performing. In all of the years living here, I have never seen a busker at this store. As I got out of my vehicle, I could hear the lyrics of Del Shannon, " Well where oh were could my baby be, The lord took her away from me, She's gone to heaven so I've got to be good, So I can see my baby when I leave this world." I was taken aback, but carried on. Then at the hairdressers today, I was sitting in the chair and speaking about Shayla, when suddenly one of her favourite songs came on. Cyndi Lauper's high pitched voice belted out 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.' This made me and the hairdresser actually laugh and it felt so right to be able to do so. The evening was the same, with the sounds of music that reflected my daughter. As I prepare to depart early Wednesday morning, I had a poignant realization that she is there with me, in the space of my thoughts and the beating of my heart. My beautiful angel has awakened the thriving free spirit in me and I find grace in its simplicty. I will travel knowing that Jesus is at the wheel, God is beside me and Shayla is holding my hand.

Arc of Spectral Colours

In two days, I embark on a journey of reflection, and opening a vault of emotions. This trip was not a planned vacation, yet two months ago, a seat on a plane already bore my name on it. The issue is that I was never informed. My unexpected travels to Maui, and this blog, would come on the heels of great loss. To quote Lao Tzu-  Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides. My life was fragmented into splinters of anguish, rage, denial, and utter sorrow on the afternoon of Deccember 12, 2011, when I was told, my only child-my beloved daughter- Shayla Rae Dawn had lost her life to a horrible car accident. My heartbeats seemed non-existent after that; my skin prickly to even the air I dared to breathe. The jagged framents of my ruptured soul, betrayed me with the movements of my heaving body. I could not fathom how or even when I would ever begin to live a second of my own existence, without my babygirl in it. Yet, a pinky promise made to my daughter is now rooted in words of flight, that I never dared would ring true. Shayla, had made me make a solemn oath that if ever anything happened to her, that I would not merely carry on, but I would thrive! Looking back now, I only agreed to such passing nonesense as I believed my daughter would live to the ripe old age of 102. Yet, the colliding manner of death taking her life, sent me into a spiral of upheavel. I could not comprehend my world without her in it; my existence revolved around my precious babygirl. There is a delicate balance of losing someone you deeply loved and allowing yourself the space in time, where you make the ultimate decision. Instead of focussing on someone's death, you chose to honour, embrace and pay tribute to a life so vibrant; it exudes an arc of spectral colours splashing your soul. My choice and my journey to Maui is to commemorate Shayla's legacy by celebrating the 21 years I was blessed to have known and loved her. It is my hope that my angel-girl will be watching over me and encourage me to "Taste the Rainbow."