-Daily OM
Before departing on my nine-day trip to Maui, I was bound to taking care of others mourning the loss of Shayla. I felt compelled, as always a nurturer, the need to extend myself beyond even reasonable meaures and try to sooth the souls of those grieving. Additionally, the manner in which I was granted this beautiful gift of this trip, came from within a part of me wary of trusting. After all of the pain I have endured having grown up in a dysfunctional family, I tend to keep intact the fortress I have built around me. Yet, even the darkest orb can crack, revealing splinters of light that are wholesome and healing. These fragments turn our self-doubt into a natural flow of colourful illumination, allowing us a chance to accept its beauty. For this reason, the extraordinary offer to send me to Maui in order to share in Shayla's 22nd Birthday- was the precious pearl-that thrived inside of my dimmed sphere. Once only a distant connection, this trip has reconnected me to a lost root and while embracing this gift of wellness, I have gained something sacred to me. The other key uniting myself to this incredible journey, is the reality that control is not something I am in possession of. Spending over a week, with a terrible flu virus, allowed me to believe that I needed to be in a weakened state and vulnerable. This had to occur so I could be exposed and unobstructed to all of the spectacular images that I have seen; in the healing gardens of the open seas. For I have witnessed a rainbow heart angel in the skies over the beaches of Kehei. My eyes have seen the flowing edges of the bluest butterfly -Shayla's beloved symbol- and I have sat in awe as the vibrant pink hues of an angel graced the night skyline. It is because of these heavenly projections that I know my babygirl was somehow with me on this solo journey. As the salty air I breathed was real, the photographs I captured of these tender moments are also. Not having the strength to do much in between my three tours, enabled me to sit or lay on the beach and watch the spectacular clouds form into images of love. This pastime, is something my daughter used to do; bonding over wisps of white, we would point out what we each saw. There were moments of glee, where our laughter overtook us to the child within and we savoured the gifts from above. The last full night I had in Maui, I took the remainder of the pebbles I brought, wrote on them and strolled to the beaches. I kneeled into the tropical waters and let the ocean, grip them away from my hands and pull all their very existence to the pounding surf. Then, I lay flat out on the coolness of the sand, under a symphony of flickering stars and absorbed into my weary soul, all of the majestic beauty of my time in Hawaii. Alone, in the darkness, I began to hear the rythmic beating of drums and it was deepening the experience of my connecting with nature. I 'spoke' to Shayla, letting her know that the bag of ashes I have back home is simply that. It does not contain the essence of who my child was; her smile cannot be found amongst the particles, her vicarious laughter is not expressed and her drops of blue-those angel eyes- do not gaze back at me. Long before this trip, I use to cling to this bag of mortal remains and even once found myself berating the fact that I had 'forgotten' to say goodnight to the medicine bag! Now, after my nine days of tasting the rainbow, if I need to feel close to Shayla, I simply open myself to the phenomenal aspects of nature and all that surrounds me. That maginificent spark that my daughter was still exists! She remains within my fragile heart, and around in the world I still reside in. Her vibrant personality shines through in her countless photogrpahs. As I now begin to slowly slip away from the darkened orb and shake loose the remnants of her death, I emerge not saying : " I am healed!" No, I come forth to say, " I AM ready for the healing to Begin..."
